Tuesday, 27 December 2011

End of Year Quiz

Who, in 2011, said the following?

- "They say I am a bad man because I hurt lot of people in my time. But I have many good reasons for doing these things. After I have seen this terrible September Eleven disaster movie all those years ago with all these planes and these towers falling down, then I take decision I must hate these mass destruction weapons as much as everyone else. It is then that I realise it is wrong to have these mass destruction weapons and it is much, much better to torture people instead - which is something I have always been very good at."

- "G'day! Now, say what you like about the PCC. But nahbody can deny they dealt with these press complaints in a dignified, sensitive and, most important of all, a restrained manner. And long may that continue. Good on yer, PCC!"

- "Sure I'd hand your London School of Economics a donation if that could play a part in my "rehabilitation". And I guess the guys at the LSE would accept it - after all, my "rehabilitation" would be good news for them too. Right? Added to that they get the chance to fund some cutting edge research into good governance within the criminal underworld. So you might just call it a win-win situation."

- “Yeah, well the reason I went out the other day and smashed all them shop windows was cos I was angry when they withdrew the edducashonal mentinanc… the educachinell minetinence allouwan… the educcasinall maintinnin… cos I needed a new 42 inch plasma TV.”

- "Mr Murdoch once called me "a very political old monk shuffling around in Gucci shoes". I wonder what kind of foot-wear Mr. Murdoch will be wearing in his next incarnation."

- "Where has all of da money gone? I do not know. This is not easy to explain, I tell you. But one thing that I do know is the whores, which we all know to be very important to society, they do not pay any of the taxes. So maybe this tax situation of these whores, that has a something to do with it. Perhaps."

Friday, 23 December 2011

Special Offer! Peace on Earth!

Peace on earth* goodwill toward men*

*Offer not open to ambulance-chasing lawyers and insurers, bureaucrats, bonus-grabbing bankers, producers of crap advertising, feral youth, feral rich, bureaucrats, PRs, lobbyists, bureaucrats, oligarchs, off-shore bankers, makers of reality TV shows, corrupt newspaper proprietors/editors, liars, cheats, frauds, Simon Cowell, Piers Morgan... and, er bureaucrats.

Saturday, 17 December 2011

In praise of The Freedom of Information Act

An 'insider' writes:

"Far be it from me to  *REDACTED*

"It is indeed unacceptable that *REDACTED*

"And despite everything we know about  *REDACTED*

"And essentially that's my p  *REDACTED*

Monday, 12 December 2011

An Ode to Joy

A Eurocrat writes:

"Fortune shines once again on the illustrious Eurocrats - at least as far as certain sections of your British media are concerned!

"Only a while ago we were a bunch of grey and indistinctive men in suits with inane grins on our faces. Only a while ago we were the "load of idiots" who had apparently got Europe into this mess in the first place.

"And now, what a turn around for the books, is it not?

"For it is now your Monsieur Camion who is in the dog-house for not wanting to offer up your oh-so-cherished British sovereignty to grey and indistinctive "idiots" like ourselves in Brussels! And what an isolationist he has shown himself to be!

"How happy I am to see your British media changing its mind! It is all making me want to sing an Ode To Joy!

"You millions, I embrace you.
This kiss is for all the world!
Brothers, above the starry canopy
There must dwell a loving Father.
Do you fall in worship, you millions?
World, do you know your creator?
Seek him in the heavens;
Above the stars must He dwell."

"What a shame it is that you British in your (not very substantial nor visionary) millions have not the desire to share the love and the warm embrace that we Eurocrats have to offer you. Perhaps it is because you still believe that we are "bunch of idiots in Brussels" who got Europe into this mess in the first place.

"But I can assure you that nothing could be further from the truth!"

Monday, 5 December 2011

'Cos they said so...

What brought on the summer riots?

We've assembled a panel of experts - journalists, sociologists, socio-psychologists, psycho-sociologists, social journalists, Guardian journalists, social networkers, psycho-networkers, concerned politicians, academics, concerned academics, Guardian Newspaper academics, and, members of the LSE - who claim they know why the riots took place.

They know because they've engaged with the rioters, talked to them directly. And they have, quite justifiably, taken the words of these rioters as Gospel.

According to our statistics the rioters acted as they did for the following reasons:-

99.98 % claimed hostility towards the Police, even though the Police were nowhere to be seen at the time.

99.45% claimed it was down to the Police and the very fact that they were nowhere to be seen at the time.

97.98 % said it was to do with the shooting of Mark Duggan, even though 99 % of these respondents also asked: "Who's Mark Duggan?"

98.3746 % cited poverty and the fact that everybody has the right to a 40" plasma TV.

93.456 % blamed poor parenting - their parents brought them up believing they had the right to a plasma TV. In addition, many parents were involved in the riots.

This appears to be proof, were proof required, that all other explanations for the summer riots are unfounded. And this is because the rioters have said so.

Now, the unfounded explanations for the riots are as follows:-

10.2101 % claimed downright criminality, which we opinion-formers have taken with a pinch of salt and interpreted as quite simply mistaken.

3.454 % have raised the issue of gang culture. But then they would raise it, wouldn't they, what with everyone in the media telling them gang culture was to blame?