"We had a dream. We hoped, in the years following the accession, every child in Britain could achieve A at A-level, could go to University and graduate with degrees in football management and equestrian psychology. The party knew how to make this happen, indeed it did. All you had to do was lower standards all round, make exams easy, and then everyone - dummies and no-hopers alike - could be winners, could be A-star, could be graduates of the University of Donald Duck
"We wanted to extend our formidable educational solutions to life in general. We presided over a dumbing-down of society, the deterioration of everything from modern art to television. On our watch, British culture, the BBC included, plumbed the depths with non-stop cookery, reality TV, celebrity, and property programmes. Pretty girls (and boys) from nowheresville rose to become pop stars, yeah, real celebs. Charlatans, low-life, morons became millionaires and gave piles of money to the party in return for honours. It was all going so well, so swimmingly... until ordinary men and women grew cynical, grew critical, negative.
"That's when the dream started to fade. People didn't realise - if you ceased believing, then what you'd believed in all along would cease too. If you didn't have faith in the economic miracle, then the economic miracle would lose faith in you. If you didn't believe in endless riches then you could kiss goodbye to that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
"That's precisely what occurred. Ordinary men and women lost faith in the miracle. Perhaps they lost all sense of reason too. For sure, they lost the chance to get somewhere in life, to be players.
"Tell you something, though: We... we never stopped believing. No! We never lost our faith. We remained and always will remain - to this day - believers. Yeah, that's what they say... we are the believers.
"And look at us now. We're as happy as Larry, as rich as Midas... although, we might add, the Midas before he acquired those dreadful asses ears. Yeah, no asses ears for us. We've been in politics too long for that kind of thing. And we don't like them - the asses ears - one tiny bit!