Friday 18 June 2010

Sheffield Steal

The people of Sheffield are quite literally up in arms because spending committments made by a bunch of dodgy geezers will not be honoured by the coalition government. The Chief Secretary to the Treasury Danny Alexander has announced that promises made by the outgoing Labour government were totally unfunded and therefore cannot be honoured. Local people are angry that this will mean a loss of jobs in the area (even though no jobs have yet been created.)

Said one local businessman: "I am utterly gutted. These very pleasant Arthur Daley characters visited us before the general election and generously offered us a huge wad of cash, no questions asked mind, if we promised to vote Labour. Well, we kept our part of the bargain and supported Gordon Brown and yet now we are not getting our new factory or our shiny new hospital. It's not right."

Another Sheffield man said: "What's the world coming to when this coalition government won't make good the promises given by a bunch of crooks and charlatans. I mean, even BBC's Newsnight thinks that the coalition government is out of order. And it should know what "out of order" means.

On other pages: Television has-been Lord Sugar ("you're tired") thinks President Obama and Congress actually give a toss about his views on BP

BP investors are outraged, disgusted and screaming blue murder

Shareholders in BP are appalled by the news that the company is to suspend this year's dividend payout.The move by the oil giant has been described as a crippling blow for investors, an appalling betrayal of the rich and needy.

BP is responsible for £1 in every £7 of dividends paid by FTSE 100 companies and the company on average doles out around £1.8billion in dividends every three months. But after a meeting with President Obama on Wednesday, it was announced that the days of easy money are over. Waves of filthy lucre will not be gushing into the pockets of investors - for this year at least.

One enraged fund manager said: "We all know you gotta speculate to accumulate, but with BP it was always supposed to be different. We thought you could just accumulate to accumulate... and then you accumulate some more and you just keep on accumuating and accumulating for ever and ever and ever, Amen. But this? Well, this is plain disgusting!

A leading shareholder began frothing at the mouth, tore all his hair out and screamed: "They always say that the value of investments can go down as well as up. But them guys in the know, they always kinda said that BP was a dead cert. So, does it really take one teensy-weensy little oil spill in a far off place to stop the flow of lovely, lovely lolly? Let's face it, the oil keeps on going up and up (into the Gulf of Mexico). And if that's the case, then surely so should the value of the dividend. You know what I say, Pal? I love my money to be slimy, grubby and permanently on tap... rather like BP's oil, when you think about it."