Monday 19 April 2010

Calm down, dear boy

(Michael Winner asks his old mate Michael Caine to do an esure commercial with him. They are lounging by the pool, sipping cocktails.)

MC: You know, Mikey boy. Don't get me wrong or nothing. I know these ads are really important to you and the such like. But I think I'm getting a bit too long in the old tooth to start selling insurance. Don't you?

MC: Nonsense, my boy. You're never too old to do an E-sure ad. What about me, Mikey? What about Uncle Michael. I'm no spring chicken - even if the ladies might say otherwise.

MC: Oh yeah, we all know about you and the ladies, don't we?

MC: Not that I want to brag, Michael, my boy. But I'll tell you what. There have been a lot more of those ladies since I started doing the Esure ads. I can tell you.

MC: Really, Mikey?

MC: Really, Michael.

MC: What like young ladies? You don't mean, like those ones in the ads that you say "calm down" to?

MW: Oh puh-lease, Michael. What do you think I'm like?

MC: I know what you're like, Mikey! I do indeed!

MW: Anyway, look... we must move on. Time is money and all that! What I had in mind was an insurance ad that could have come straight out of a caper movie... like the Italian Job.

MC: Oh, goody goody. Been ages since I done a caper movie!

MW: Precisely... as you say. You're no spring chicken.

MC: Excuse me, Mikey! Was that you just ribbing me just then?

MW: (Dismisses this with a wave) Anyway you... you are doing a bank heist. And you have some dolt of a safe cracker who is going to work on a ten inch steel door. He screws it up royally. And then you shout: "You were only supposed to blow the bloody doors off."

MC: Oh... love it. I haven't said anything like that for ages... Probably not since, I don't know, Get Carter.

MW: (Looks at him quizically) Right.. Yes. You okay, my boy?

MC: Have never felt better, Mikey!

MW: Anyway... I then come a long and I say - wait for it -

MC: (Cuts in) Zulus, Zulus bloody everywhere!

MW: Please, Michael. Don't be so absurd. I come in and say: "Calm down dear. It's only a commercial."

MC: Yeah of course... Of course... But pardon me if I'm a bit slow today, Mikey, but why would someone doing a bank job have bought insurance? It just ain't right. The boys'd never bother with something as namby pamby as insurance. Not on a bank job. That's more like...

MW: Oh please, Michael. Don't be so literal minded. Remember - It's a commercial.

MC: Nah Mikey... Calm down, it's only a commercial. (Chuckles to himself)

MW: Yes, Michael. Very drole. Very drole indeed.

MC: Thought you'd like that one Mikey.

MW: Yes, it was a classic, Michael.

MC: Yeah and who are you supposed to be Mikey? You're not Mr Bridger, are ya?

MW: No, of course I'm not Mr Bridger, Michael. How utterly ridiculous. Bridger was played by Noel Coward. Nothing like me.

MC: I could see it Mikey, I really could (puts on Noel Coward voice)  C-c-c-calm down, dear boy, will you please? It is only... a c-c-commercial. Indeed is it not? Do ya like my Coward impersonation, Mikey?

MW: (Scratching his head) You know, Michael...

MC: What?

MC: I think... You might have something there.

MC: I think I might too, actually.

MW: Might have to work on it a bit. But, I just wonder... Interesting departure, it would be, but... could just possibly be a goer.

MC: Well, we're old troopers aren't we Mikey? If anyone can bring a bit of business to an Esure ad, Michaels Caine and Winner certainly can.

MW: I think you'll find the billing would be MCs Winner and Caine.

MC: On an ad, Mikey? Don't think so.

MW: Anyway this is by the by, MC. You're suggesting that I put on my best Noel Coward voice on and play Mr Bridger? (Plays around with it) C-Calm down... Calm, c-c-ccalm... d-d-down... Dear... Deeear boy....

MC: Yeah. I bet you always fancied yourself as Noel Coward.

MW: I beg your pardon? I most certainly did not. He was most definitely not one for the ladies I can tell you that!

MC: Calm down, calm down, Mikey. Just having a laugh.

MW: Yes, very funny, Michael.

MC: Having a laugh, mate

MW: Yes, you said

MC: Although maybe you ought to get married soon... Other wise they'll be saying: Look at Mikey Winner... Unmarried? At his age?... And what's more he is frolicking around doing all these Noel Coward impersonations... You know, like, what's with this: "Calm down, dear boy" routine? Whatever next? He'll be making a musical next, I shouldn't wonder. And maybe, who knows, doing an impersonation of Noel Coward in the lead role.

MW: What on earth are you talking about? Doing a musical? Puh-lease! This is all becoming rather surreal...  (He sits thinking about it for a moment... then frowns). Although...

MC: Yeah?

MW: Although... Actually, come to think of it...

MC: Yes?

MW:  You know... You might be onto something there...

MC: Might I, Mikey?

MW: Yes.... Come to think of it... What is the one last great thing I have left to do? A musical of course! You know... You might... just be onto something!

MC: There you go Mikey boy. Trust old MC to suggest your piece of resistance! I've just given you your next project, I have.

MW: (He sits nodding, stares into space, sipping his drink. Then all of a sudden his face drops. He slowly begins to shake his head.) No...

MC: No?

MW: No. Wouldn't work, this musical.

MC: No? I thought we was onto something there.

MW: No, Michael... it couldn't work...

MC: Why's that then?

MW: Well... for a start... Charlie Bronson isn't around any more, is he...? And I just couldn't do it without Charlie? Could I?

MC: (Ponders) Oh... I see your point, Mikey... Nah, you couldn't really do your musical, your musical piece of resistance without Charlie. Could ya?

MW: I'm afraid... Sadly not.